


For the Former World has Passed Away...

by Whatevergirl



Category: The Brittas Empire, Titanic (1997)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Use of Poetry Within
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-01-22 02:51:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1573415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whatevergirl/pseuds/Whatevergirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is not a story about one 1st class passenger meeting a 3rd class one. This is not a story where love reigns supreme.<br/>No one is claiming it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all and love certainly doesn't appear to be a many splendoured thing.</p><p>No. This is a story about two men meeting each other, connecting and even falling in love; it is a story where two men go through Hell, despite finding each other.</p><p>It's April 1912 and the RMS Titanic, the second Olympic Class Ocean Liner is to make her maiden voyage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Is there anyone alive out there?” A strong voice called across the watery grave. “Can anyone hear me?”

“There’s nothing moving, sir.” Replied a voice softly from behind him.

“Don’t just sit there! Check them!”

“Yes sir.” The young seaman leaned out the lifeboat, his cold hands clasping around the lifebelt nearest and pulling the person close. The face was white, the eyes gazing out at nothing.

He dropped her and reached for another; she was another pot doll, face as still as if it were cast in porcelain. He grabbed another… and another… The icy ocean water had frozen his fingers, but he leaned out again, using his eyes to see where he was hooking his fingers…

Another body…

Another body… A woman with a small child clasped to her chest…

He could feel his whole body tremble, through horror or cold he neither knew nor cared. 

“Sir. Here’s one.” There was a flurry of movement from the few men as the few men as they pulled the body into the lifeboat. A young man… one of the serving staff from the 1st class dining saloon, if the seaman recalled correctly. He didn’t know the man’s name. 

“Is there anyone alive out there?” the officer called again, once he saw the man they had pulled from the water was being looked after. “Keep looking.”

The seaman turned back to the ocean, reaching out to pull another body towards him.

They had to keep searching, looking, hoping for survivors.

\---XXX---

Tim sighed as he stared out over the crowds of people milling about. He was heading to America; to New York, to be precise. He wasn’t going to be there long, not really. It was the Titanic’s maiden voyage though, and he had a place on it.

The Ship of Dreams… That’s what they called her. Tim could believe it. He had seen the thing and she was beautiful. He watched from the edge of D Deck, viewing the passengers as they hurried up onto her. 

“Boy, come on!” One of the crew nearby shouted, he turned and walked inside, straightening his clothing as he headed back into the 1st class dining saloon. “Stand by the doors and be ready to great anyone who comes in.”

“Who’s going to come here? We haven’t even left Southampton yet!” Tim objected, but the man just grinned at him and pointed to a spot by the door.

“Over there, young man.” He chuckled, heading over to the kitchens.

“Good afternoon, Ma’am.” He greeted a young woman as she strolled in. Her eyes flickered towards him briefly, assessing and then dismissing him. She took a seat at one of the table and fitted a cigarette into its holder before lighting it. 

Wordlessly, he moved to stand beside her and handed her a wine menu. Her eyes didn’t even look at him this time, she simply pointed with the same disinterest. He took the menu and headed off.

“It’s amazing.” Whispered one of the other young men as he came to stand beside Tim. “Can you hear the engines? We’ll be going soon.”

“I know.” Tim grinned. “I can’t wait to see America!”

“Are you staying?”

“Nah. I’ll be coming back with this lovely lady.” He smiled gently. “England is my home.”

“Indeed. Which wine is it she wanted?”

“Oh right.” He got back to work, removing the cork from the untouched bottle. 

“Hey, what’s your name?”

“I’m Tim. Timothy Whistler.”

“How do you do. I’m Patrick… Harkins.”

“Pleased to meet you.” He turned and took the glass of wine over. 

\---XXX---

“Timothy, go top up the wine.”

“Certainly.” He grinned at Patrick and headed into the crowded dining room. As he was tipping more from his bottle into Sir Archibald’s glass, Tim caught the eye of a handsome young man. He was sitting, _slouching_ , in his chair, a cigarette between his thin lips. Tim was captivated.

“Boy! Get this.” Snapped one of the men, unimpressed at having an empty plate in front of him. Tim bit back a retort and picked up the dish. With his back turned, he missed the eyes of the other young man skim down his back and over his arse.

“Here.” He put the plates on the work surface beside the dish washer. 

“How long until we get to Cherbourg?” The man asked, his countenance already tired.

“Another hour, maybe 90 minutes? Or so I’ve heard.” Replayed Tim, straightening his waistcoat.

“Excellent. Go get me some more stuff to clean.” A hand waved him out the room, but it was alongside an amused grin.

“Yes sir.” The young man turned around, bowing slightly with a sparkle in his eyes.

Tim managed to manoeuvre himself into position to clear that other man’s table. He positioned himself beside the fine man and took a deep breath as he leaned over to pick up the dishes. 

“Shall I help you?” The soft voice eased into Tim’s ears, taking his attention.

This close, the man’s eyes were beautiful, Tim felt his heart flutter. His breath caught in his throat.

“I’m fine. Thank you.”

“Indeed you are.” Whispered the man, his voice barely more than a breath.

Tim jerked the dishes back to his chest and hurried away. By the sink, Tim leaned against the work top, his knees weak. He felt annoyed at himself, in a distant sort of way; his mind conjuring up numerous things he could have said in response... anything more flattering than the whimper he had probably released. In all his life, he couldn't recall ever seeing someone so attractive and to top it off, the man wasn't a regular first-class snob. He took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. 

“You ill, Timothy?”

“No, sir. I’m fine.” The head waiter gave him a slight frown. He headed back out to finish clearing the table.

As he finished, Tim felt a hand slip into his pocket, but he didn’t dare stop, too aware of the head waiter’s eyes on him from the other side of the saloon.

“You are in the smoke room tonight.”

“Yes sir.” He turned, fingers sliding into his pocket. They came across a piece of paper, but Tim resisted pulling it out yet; he didn’t want to draw attention to it. 

“Don’t forget to be smart.” Called the man after him.

‘ _Meet me on the boat deck, closest to the bow of the ship._  
_Gavin._ ’

Tim stared eagerly at the note as he stood leaning against the door. Gavin… They could meet up in a few hours. Tim would be free once the first class men were done drinking. There were a few first class passengers embarking at in France, but he didn’t have to worry about them.

\---XXX---

“Good evening.” Tim said softly, a nervous smile flickering across his face. Gavin turned, a relieved grin replacing the worried frown. His hands were twisting together.

“Hello. How do you do?” Gavin held out a hand, and Tim grasped it, his palms sweaty.

“I’m well.” He dropped his hand quickly and tried to discreetly dry it on his sleeves. 

“Do you… Sorry. Do you have a name?”

“Na- …? Oh. I’m Tim.” He held out his hand again, before nervously jerking it away, realising they had already shaken.

Gavin grabbed his hand from where it hung by his side. He clasped it in both of his and brought it to his lips.

“Pleased to meet you Tim. My name is Gavin.”

Tim just smiled at him, his heart thundering almost painfully in his chest. He felt clumsy, awkward, as though all his suave had abandoned him at the sight of Gavin's charm.

“Is there somewhere we can talk?” Asked Tim softly. He wanted to be close to the man without fear that someone would see him. Already his blood was surging in response to him; his heart hammering in his chest, his knees trembling as he took closed the small gap between them. Close enough to feel Gavin's breath, Tim looked up into his hypnotic eyes and flushed. The heavy stare that met his own gaze let Tim know that they were on the same page. 

“Oh… umm… My cabin? I have my own room, separate from my family. We can speak there.”

“Where?” he breathed.

“B Deck.”

They moved, lust flooding their senses as they walked smartly towards the stairs, Tim in his waiting suit and Gavin in the clothes he had worn to supper. As he glanced over at the man, Tim noticed that he was not as calm as he appeared. Gavin was breathing fast and they had to double back more than once because the man had taken a wrong turn, unwilling to take his eyes off Tim for more than a few seconds. Tim had to acknowledge the fact that this didn't detract for his charm, and his body agreed as it ached for contact in a manner that made him indecent to look at. Thankfully, the few passengers they crossed had their eyes above groin level. 

Once in the room, with the door locked behind them, Gavin turned and looked at Tim, desire clear in his eyes. Tim made no attempt to resist. He pulled Gavin’s head towards his own and their lips met for the first time.

It was like someone had lit a candle; one that burnt brightly inside him. Gavin’s arms came around him like a vice, pressing him tightly against the strong chest. He heard a loud, desperate moan, though which of them it was he didn’t know.

Heat lanced through him as Gavin’s hands slid down the button of his jacket, then up to slide it off his shoulders. As Tim was trying to tug Gavin’s clothing off, the man managed to remove his waist coat, his braces, his shirt…

“You’re beautiful.” Whispered Gavin, his large hands roaming Tim’s pale skin. The young man flushed as he facilitated his striping. “Perfection…”

“Not quite.” Replied Tim, giving a wry grin as he thought about the scars his childhood had left behind.

“Beautiful.” Whispered Gavin again, his eyes softening as he looked deeply into Tim’s. “And perfect.”

Their mouths sealed together as they fell to the blankets, their movements slow as they took time exploring each other. Gavin’s clothing was removed and they lay together, shy hands growing braver as they slid further down.

“Beautiful.” Murmured Gavin again, his eyes dipped in passion as he stared down Tim’s chest. Tim would have flushed, had his skin not already been that rosy colour. 

“I don’t believe in love.” He replied, rolling over to pull Gavin from his side and over the top of him. He stared up into the face of a man whom he had only just met but had stolen his heart anyway. “Why are you trying to change my mind?”

“Never.” Chuckled Gavin, sloppily pressing kisses down his neck. Tim whimpered and bucked his hips up.

“More.” He gasped.

“Everything.” Promised Gavin, leaning in to suck a mark over Tim’s shoulder, where no one could view it. “Anything.”

Tim wrapped his legs around Gavin’s bare hips, his eyes shut and his fingers digging into the man’s skin as they moved together, as they rocked gently like the Titanic cutting her way through the water.

\---XXX---

“I can see you again, right?” Gavin asked softly as he used his shirt to wipe their bodies clean.

“You’d better.” Replied Tim, lying casually across the bed, with only a blanket to hide his lower body. 

“I will see you again, then.” Gavin grinned, leaning over to kiss him. “I am not in America for long, just a month or so.”

“I will be returning to England with Titanic. They won't pay me if I'm not there to do my job.” He grinned happily at Gavin.

“And we have the whole of this trip.”

“We do indeed.” Tim pulled Gavin back over him, their bodies shifting as they opened their mouths to one another.

“Gavin?” A woman’s voice called from outside the room, accompanied with a sharp knock.

“Yes, Alice?” Gavin stayed where he was, over Tim’s body.

“We are heading up from a spot of tea before settling down for the night. Are you joining us?”

“No. I’m tired, Alice. I think I’ll turn in early tonight.”

“Sleep well, dear brother.” She called, then there was silence.

Tim stared up into Gavin’s kind blue-grey eyes. He wondered if he ought to be heading back up yet. He had no work till the morning, but he was unsure how long Gavin wanted him to stay. He’d never done this before. The hesitance must have shown in his eyes though, because Gavin smiled softly at him.

“Lie with me a while? I’m sure you have to get back to your own cabin, but…. Stay for a bit?” 

Tim felt his body relax; Gavin wanted him to stay. He sat up and pushed Gavin’s dressing gown off before pulling him down. Lay across Gavin’s naked chest, Tim smiled in contentment.

“I’m sorry if that wasn’t what you expected when I asked to meet you.” Gavin’s voice permeated the silence. “I… don’t. I don’t ever do that. Never! But you… you are truly gorgeous. I saw you and I knew I had to do something.”

“I don't mind, not at all. In fact, I was thinking the same. I have never followed someone back to their room. I’ve never even been with someone in this manner… But you are something else. I trust you.”

“You barely know me.” Whispered Gavin, his voice filled with quiet awe.

“I trust you. Do not ask me why, for I could not answer. I simply do.”

“Trust!” Gavin scoffed. “What is that?” But he held Tim firmly to him, pressing a kiss into his hair.

“Do you know the poem ‘If’?”

“What?”

“I like poetry. ‘If’ is a recent poem by a man named Rudyard Kipling. I must have read it a year or two ago, but I copied it into both my poetry books.”

“Both?”

“One for at home, and one to take with me.”

“Do you have it here?”

“It’s in my cabin, but this one I know by heart.”

“I wish to hear it.” Gavin smoothed Tim’s hair out of his face as they lay together. 

“I don’t know if I remember perfectly… I have never recited poetry since I left school…

“If you can keep your head when all about you  
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,  
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,  
But make allowance for their doubting too;  
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,  
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,  
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,  
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;  
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;  
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster  
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,  
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,  
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,  
If all men count with you, but none too much;  
If you can fill the unforgiving minute  
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,  
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,  
And—which is more—you’ll be a man, my son!”

There was silence for a moment before Tim spoke up again.

“I do not remember it all, I’m afraid. I thought I did, but…”

“It’s wonderful. Kipling, did you say? Work your way through things without being corrupted…”

“Yes. I got a book of his, ‘Rewards and Fairies’. My mother bought it for me when I turned sixteen and started travelling on ships for a living. She wanted me to learn to have a stiff upper lip and not be brought down by those around me.”

“She sounds like a good woman. Did you not want to be a seaman?”

“No. I work as waiting staff, but I want to be a chef.”

“Working your way up.” Murmured Gavin. “Sixteen? How old are you now?”

“Eighteen.” Laughed Tim. “I feel we are doing things backwards. May I ask your age?”

“Twenty one.” Gavin rolled him over and pressed a deep kiss to his mouth. “And I do not mind backwards, for it has you lying in my arms right now.”

“It does.” He stretched his neck to reach Gavin’s lips again, pushing his tongue forwards into the warm cavern of his mouth.

“Stay a while longer.” Muttered Gavin against his lips. “I’ll work on your stiff upper lip with you.”

“No more than an hour.” Tim sighed, his eyes sliding shut as he allowed Gavin to lead them both to passion again.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day was warmer as Gavin stood out on the boat deck, staring out at the lower classes chattering away on the decks beneath him. The majestic glory of such a large and beautiful ship was lost on him as he thought of Tim’s pale body. He was skinnier than conventional beauty dictated was attractive, but Gavin had observed that this seemed to be the way with many of those who needed to work for a living.

“Gavin?” Alice had spotted him and was leading their mother over. “Dreaming again?”

“We are on the ship of dreams.” Gavin deflected, mustering up a smile for the women. 

“And you are supposed to be living it, darling, not simply imagining it.” Alice linked her arm through his, her expression concerned.

“I do wonder when we will hit Ireland.” Mused their mother as she stared out over the body of water before them.

“Before noon, I believe.” Replied Gavin. He had asked Tim when they had passed each other in the dining saloon at breakfast time.

“I suppose we’ll be getting more steerage.” Her nose wrinkled in displeasure.

“I’d imagine so, yes.” Gavin couldn’t quite manage to laugh along with the women; he wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t find the circumstances of the poor as amusing as he usually did.

“Let’s have some tea.” Their mother decided, and the two siblings obediently followed her.

“Café Parisen?” Alice suggested.

“Can we not go to the First Class Dining Saloon? I prefer it there.” Gavin interjected.

“Come on then, my boy.” Their mother headed inside and down the stairs to D Deck. There were advantages to being your mother’s favourite. Alice gave him a puzzled look, as though she was trying to work something out.

“Good morning, madams, sir.” Greeted the young man by the door. Their mother led them to a table by the window and they sat down.

“Tea, for all of us.” She spoke up before the server had a chance to say anything.

“Indeed.” He responded and quietly headed off.

“I hope your father has remembered to contact the Browns.” The older woman said as she watched a young couple come in and sit down.

“I reminded Peter in my last letter.” Alice informed her, daintily spreading out her napkin in her lap.

“Yes. I hope that will be enough. His memory isn’t what it once was.” She frowned, but said no more on the matter.

“Here you are, ma’am.” The server put a tray down and began to unload it. Gavin’s eyes trailed off and he spotted Tim topping up Mr Holland’s wine glass a few tables away. The younger man nodded his head politely, but didn’t stop to speak with him. Gavin watched the young man head back towards the kitchen, a smile flitting to his lips as he saw the cool expression drop as another server whispered something to him, and the grin momentarily lit Tim's face up.

Alice let out a hiss, jerking his attention away from Tim.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, wondering if the server had stepped on her or something.

“I thought…” she glanced at their mother, who was questioning their server about who would be boarding in Queenstown. “I thought you’d stopped doing… that.”

She must have caught him looking at Tim. She knew he had once had a brief affair with another man, though she had never told anyone. He had promised never to do it again and she had dropped the matter. As he was the youngest by a good seven years, she had always been protective of him.

“It’s just… him…”

“He was one of the servers at supper, wasn’t he?” She frowned at him. “If you are going to do it, can’t you at least pick someone more appropriate that a waiter?”

“I don’t care what his job is. I think he’s wonderful.” Gavin replied, irritation starting to seep into his voice.

“11.30.” their mother said all of a sudden. The two looked up to see their mother sat watching them, the server no longer by her side.

“Pardon, mother?” Gavin asked, trying to look casual as he tried to recall what they had been talking about with her. He was thankfully her hearing was not what it had been when he was younger, for she would even less likely than his sister to approve of his choices.

“That is when we are to arrive at Cork Harbour; in half an hour.”

“Very good.” Gavin thought about it for a moment. “We are making decent time, I did wonder if being so big, she might be slow.”

“I hope not.” Alice sighed. “The journey takes long enough as it is.”

“There is Dr Brewe. I wonder if he will join us.”

“I doubt it, mother. He has come in with Mr Chevré.” 

“Shame.”

Gavin sipped his tea, eyes still fixed on Tim as the young man went to speak the men. He finished his work at 1pm and was off until 5pm. Gavin intended to spend much of it with him. 

“All done, darling?” Their mother asked.

“I am.” He put the cup down pulled his cigarette case out. Maybe he could read or something until Tim was done.

“Are you heading to the gymnasium later?” Alice asked, her face free of any harsh intention; she seemed merely curious.

“I may, yes.” That would fill in some time.

“I hear the facilities here are very good. Only Titanic and her sister even have a gymnasium and squash court.”

“Well, they are hardly going to say they are lacking when they want you to use the Titanic to cross the ocean.” He replied, amusement colouring his tone. Alice grinned back, before dabbing at her lips with a napkin to hide her expression. He slid his case back into his pocket again and stood.

“I will see you later on then, mother.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Alice.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek also and left.

He stopped at his cabin to change and then enjoyed the walk along to the boat deck to the gymnasium. It seemed nice, all done with a wood finish and not a spot of dirt in sight. He headed over to the rowing machine and sat down.

He’d stay for an hour then go get cleaned up to meet with Tim.

\---------

“Good afternoon.” Tim said, coming up from behind Gavin. The older man was leaning against the railings, looking out at the endless blue before them, but he grinned when he saw Tim.

“Afternoon. Warmer today, isn’t it?”

“There’s still a brisk wind.”

“Shall we go back to my rooms? Or do you want to stay outside?”

“There are plenty of private rooms on a ship this size.” Tim responded, his eyes shining with mischief.

“Indeed. But it is her maiden voyage. She’ll be busy everywhere, I imagine.”

“You do so wrongly then. Did you not hear of the National Coal Strike? There are just less than 900 crew on board and less than fourteen hundred passengers. We are well under capacity.”

“A coal strike?”

“Yes. People will probably travel more when it’s done, but for now they aren’t going anywhere. I imagine the trip back home will be busier.” The young man scrunched his nose as he spoke. 

“Do you want it to be?” Gavin settled against the railings again, happy to stand and talk. Tim took up a similar stance beside him.

“Certainly. I don’t mind being busy. I sleep well and I have a better chance at earning tips.”

“Is 1st class good for tips?”

“Not as much as you would think. Some people are very good and tip me every time they eat, but a large number don’t even see the workers so don’t ever think of tipping. 2nd class is the best for it, I’ve been told.”

“I can’t imagine.” Gavin stared at Tim’s hands; the hands of a worker. “I’ve never done more than help my brother out with business contracts.”

“Are you new money? I never really realised there was a difference till I came here. It’s the… well, the poshest place I’ve worked.”

“Is it? We’re a bit of both. We have an old name and some old money, but my grandfather struck lucky and we got an influx of new money… as it were.”

“I don’t think I could not work.” Sighed Tim, turning his face up as they moved through a patch of sunlight. “I’d be terribly bored. What do you do with your day?”

“I read. I take tea. I visit the gymnasium. I enjoy swimming.”

“I don’t mind it much, but that sounds… it sounds boring. They are alright when you have spare time, but generally I’m too busy to think about things like that.” Tim leaned forwards, his eyes on the water. Gavin's eyes remained on Tim though, watching the man's lips as he spoke; it was difficult to focus on conversation when he spoke. After all, he knew what that mouth could do.

“What do you think about then?” He turned his eyes to the water, pulling his mind back to the present.

“Normally, my mind is filled with what needs doing, people I need to speak with, checking on my mother… just general tasks. Recently, my mind has been filled with you. It’s dreadfully distracting.” Tim grinned brightly at him though.

“I do apologise.” Said Gavin, though he felt not an ounce of remorse. 

“I know how you can make it up to me.” Tim stepped back. “Come with me.” Gavin grinned, pleased to see that he was not alone in this burning desire. It was like nothing he had felt before, a consuming passion that distracted him more thoroughly than any previous attraction.

They strolled along the deck and slipped through a door. Following the corridor along, the two men were silent. They went through another door, into another corridor, down a staircase, on and on. Gavin was lost quickly, but Tim seemed confident in where he was going.

Eventually, they went in a door which lead to a small cabin. There were two bunk beds inside and a small sink between them. Tim grinned and pushed him down onto the bed by the right wall.

“This one is mine. Everyone else is working until 6.”

“Oh.” Gavin blushed, but stared curiously at him. Tim wasn’t joining him on the bed, but rooting through a bag by the foot of the bed.

“Here.” He handed over an old-looking leather bound book. 

Gavin accepted it, carefully opening it up. Inside, there were many leafs of paper, words written across them. The script wasn’t very neat, but Gavin realised what it was he held.

“Your poetry book?”

“Yes.” Tim sat next to him. “It has all my favourites in it.”

Gavin looked down at it again, finding the start of a poem and reading over it.

“Half a league, half a league,  
Half a league onward,  
All in the valley of Death  
Rode the six hundred.  
"Forward, the Light Brigade!  
"Charge for the guns!" he said:  
Into the valley of Death  
Rode the six hundred.”

“Charge of the Light Brigade.” Tim said gently. “This bit always seems like a dark version of Moses:

Cannon to right of them,  
Cannon to left of them,  
Cannon in front of them  
Volley'd and thunder'd;”

“Yes.” Gavin turned to press a soft kiss to his lips. “Which is your favourite?”

“Mine? Well, I generally enjoy the works of Percy Shelley, but this poem I adore.”

Tim flicked to the back and showed Gavin a sheet of paper. The words had been written carefully on this one, as though he had taken the time to make them neat, but the edges of the paper were curled with use. It had titled above it: Sweet Endings Come and Go, George Elliot.

“Sweet evenings come and go, love,  
They came and went of yore:  
This evening of our life, love,  
Shall go and come no more. 

When we have passed away, love,  
All things will keep their name;  
But yet no life on earth, love,  
With ours will be the same. 

The daisies will be there, love,  
The stars in heaven will shine:  
I shall not feel thy wish, love,  
Nor thou my hand in thine. 

A better time will come, love,  
And better souls be born:  
I would not be the best, love,  
To leave thee now forlorn.”

Gavin stared at the words he had read, a tugging in his heart.

“It’s very sad.”

“I think it’s beautiful.”

“It’s well written, true. But still…” Gavin jumped when Tim took the book off him and ran his fingers in a caress down the page.

“It’s an assurance that the world will continue, even after we die. It helps me not to take everything too seriously. I’m not going to affect England by what I do. I may make a difference to those whom I am close to, but nothing more.”

“I thought you don’t believe in love though.” Gavin tilted his head back, his eyes focussed in on the handsome young man.

“I don’t. Well, I didn’t. I feel something for you, and though I know it isn’t love, it is something.”

“Why not love?” Gavin asked, turning and taking one of Tim’s hands.

“Pardon?”

“How do you know this isn’t love?” Gavin couldn't help his question; the thought that love could be so easily dismissed hurt in a way he had not expected.

“I have only just met you. If love is an attachment, surely it would take time to grow.”

“And yet I am already attached to you. I agree with the final stanza: though there may be better people in the world, I would be most unhappy to leave you alone.” He pressed his lips to Tim’s hand before continuing. “I already am attached.”

Tim leaned in and pressed their lips together, his eyes blinking shut. Gavin raised a hand to cup the back of his head. 

“Maybe I do have an attachment to you.” Whispered Tim, his eyes still shut. “I trust you though.”

“I know.” Murmured the man as he pushed Tim back onto the bed. The young man’s arms fastened around him, but he pulled his head back.

“Not here?”

“Pardon?” Gavin stopped and gave Tim a confused look.

“I have to sleep in here tonight, with three other men…. I’d rather not- well, it needs to be a good rest.” Tim blushed fiercely, but Gavin understood. He had kept imagining Tim beneath him when he had been trying to sleep last night… he had smelt the man with every breath from the used blankets.

“Let’s hurry then. I want you.” Gavin stood up, adjusted his clothing and hurried over to the door. Tim moved past him and led him through the myriad of passageways again. It seemed to be quicker this time though, possibly because Gavin couldn’t think of anything but Tim… but he didn’t care about the reason. 

As soon as his door was shut and locked behind him, Gavin dropped to his knees and pressed his open mouth to the front of Tim’s trousers. The young man braced himself against the wall as he moaned. 

“Come on, Gavin.” His voice was low and gruff. “Strip.”

Their clothing was gone in a moment and Gavin had Tim pressed against the wall, one leg wrapped around his hip. 

“Oh, bugger.” Groaned Tim, hands sporadically grasping at Gavin’s shoulders.

“I’d love to bugger you.” Gavin chuckled, “But I have no oil with me. I didn’t expect you.”

“Gavin…” He moaned, pulling his head back down for a kiss. Their lips met in a wet slide and Gavin pushed his tongue into the younger man’s mouth, feeling out the teeth and gums and trembling with the arousal that shot through him from the simple action.

“Bed.” He gasped, pulling away to stagger in its direction. His legs weren’t going to hold out much longer. Tim followed, his skin flushed down his chest; his eyes were bright though and his body clearly willing.

\---------

“Is there a lot of crew?” asked Gavin as he lay in bed watching Tim dress.

“Yes. 885 of us.”

“That’s a lot. What does everyone do?”

“It’d take a long time to list everyone’s duties.” Laughed Tim, as he pulled his trousers up over his lovely, pale legs. “But there are seamen, engineers, firemen, stokers, stewards, and gallery staff. Basically, a bunch of us responsible for you lot, and another bunch who look after the engines.”

“Over 850 though…” wondered Gavin. He couldn’t help but marvel at how well everything seemed to work as well, how seamlessly people had to do their jobs to not be noticed. “Are there many passengers?”

“More than thirteen hundred. Over 320 in 1st class, over 280 in 2nd and over 700 in 3rd.”

“And you just look after us?”

“Yes.” Tim began to fasten up his waist coat; his nimble fingers displaying an energy Gavin did not share as he lethargically rested on his bed.

“Will I see you tonight?” He asked, pulling himself up and reaching for his dressing gown.

“Only at supper I think. I’m working until 11pm.”

“How about tomorrow?”

“Possibly. I have the morning off.”

“Can you come to my room when you are done? I think I’d like to wake up with you.”

Gavin frowned when Tim flinched and stared wide eyed at him for a moment.

“Umm… Yes.” He gasped in reply, a smile breaking out across his face despite the young man’s clear attempts to fight it.

“I’ll see you tonight then.” He leaned over and grabbed Tim’s jacket, pulling him close and pressing kisses across his face.

“Tonight.” Tim breathed, his eyes unfocussed as he tilted his head back to allow Gavin access.

“Off you go then.” Gavin murmured, giving Tim one last lick and pushing him towards the door.

“Good bye.” Tim said softly, and then he was gone.

Gavin shut the door, locked it and sat heavily on his bed. What was he doing? He was travelling to America to meet with his father and two other siblings. He was travelling with his mother and sister! He was not here to have a romance.

He hadn’t planned to have a skinny, young waiter steal his heart, but that was exactly what had happened. He would have to write his address down somewhere for Tim; he would be devastated if they lost contact.

He fell back into his blankets with a frown on his face. Devastated… that was ridiculous in itself. He had only met Tim yesterday. How had he connected so strongly with him in such a short space of time? And to someone who wasn’t sure he believed in love! Gavin’s parents didn’t believe in love. Though they would never admit it, their marriage had been arranged, after all, his mother was from old money and his father had inherited a large sum. His mother tried to be understanding of Gavin, but she just could not realise the depth of the emotion. Though, it was probably for the best. His father had been a general in the army, away for large periods of time. To have such distance between yourself and the one you love… to not know if they were dead or alive? Gavin didn’t think he could do it.

He sighed and began to get ready for supper. Maybe he could try the lamb tonight.

\---------

There was a soft knock at the door. Gavin looked up from his book and grinned. It was nearly 11.30pm, but he had been waiting.

“How do you do.” He murmured, when he opened the door and admitted Tim. The young man was still in his suit, but he had another one in his hands.

“I… I hope you don’t mind, but I brought this in case I don’t have time to go get changed tomorrow.”

“It’s fine.” He took the clothing off Tim and put it away with his own suits. “Now, come here.” 

He held out his arms and Tim slipped into them, smiling softly at the gentle kisses Gavin pressed to his skin.

“How are you?” He asked quietly, taking a step back and beginning to carefully peel Tim from his clothing.

“Tired. After you left a young couple got annoyed about their food not being warm enough. He flipped the table over and made such a mess… I’ve spent half the evening on my hands and knees trying to get all the little shards of glass up from the floor. The other half was spent trying to sort out the smoke room, where the men managed to set some papers on fire. I think they were trying to destroy the paper deliberately, but they should have thought about where to put the paper first.”

“Have you eaten?” he asked, rubbing his hands up and down Tim’s back in a soothing motion.

“Yes. That’s why I’m so late. Sorry.”

“No bother. Come lie down with me.”

They settled on the bed together, and Tim’s body began to relax into sleep almost immediately. Gavin switched off the lamp and curled in around him.

“Good night, God bless.” He whispered as Tim’s breathing evened out into sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Tim stirred slowly, his awareness crawling back to him from the depths of sleep. He opened his eyes to see brown panelling before him. 

What?

Robin and Edward’s bunk bed had gone? The arm around his waist tightened and someone sighed against his neck. Tim turned.

Gavin.

How had he forgotten? Tim turned over to stare at the man’s lax face. Even with lines down his face from where he had slept upon creases, Gavin was still wonderfully handsome. Tim leaned in to press a kiss to his nose.

Gavin’s arms were warm but Tim wriggled out of the comfortable cocoon to use the toilet facilities. A glance at his pocket watch told him he had over five hours until he had to start work though, so the young man happily made his way back inside. 

He debated whether or not to go back to sleep, but when Gavin was lying there looking so attractive, he couldn’t help himself. Tim pushed the man onto his back and leaned over him, slowly pressing their lips together. 

His breath wasn’t particularly pleasant, but as Tim shifted and pulled away to straddle his hips, he found he really didn’t care.

“Tim?” slurred Gavin sleepily, but his hands spread out over the tops of his thighs. “G’morning.”

“Good morning.” Tim replied, his voice low with desire.

He ground his hips down, feeling Gavin against his arse and desperately wishing they had some oil to use. He wanted Gavin in him.

“Gorgeous.” Panted the older man, his own hips twitching as he gazed up at Tim, his eyes almost black with his arousal. 

Tim had no reply, he dropped his hands to Gavin’s chest and worked his hips quicker. His blood surged and his chest tightened. It was quite wonderful.

Gavin rolled them over and crushed him into the mattress, once more sealing their mouths together. Tim groaned at the amount of contact their skin had and he wrapped his legs around the man’s body.

“Fuck, Tim…”

Tim panted into his mouth, fingers digging into Gavin’s back as they rocked together.

“More… please…”

Tim moved his head to suckle at Gavin’s neck, he clamped the salty flesh in his teeth and moved his mouth against it, trying to muffle the noises he couldn’t help but make. He could feel Gavin’s hot breath against his temple…

“Gavin? Mother and I are heading up to breakfast, are you up?” A woman’s voice called through the door. Tim pulled back, clamped his lips shut and pressed his whole face into Gavin’s neck. He couldn’t make a noise.

“A-Alice? I’ll be up later.” Gavin’s voice was not as calm as it could have been but he managed to get his words out coherently. 

“Hmm…. Well, don’t forget to eat.”

“She knows, doesn’t she?” whimpered Tim.

“Yeah. It’s fine, don’t worry.” Gavin began to press little kisses across Tim’s face over his nose and down his cheeks.

“What time is it?” worried Tim, all of a sudden, though his voice was still breathy with lust. “Do you need to eat now?”

“You know what? I think I will eat.” Gavin grinned at him before pushing Tim’s legs wide and making his way down.

\---------

“It’s nearly 11 o’clock.” Tim said gently, 2 rounds later. “I will have to leave soon.”

“Already?” groaned Gavin, holding Tim tighter to him.

“I’ve been here nearly 12 hours!” he laughed, but he made no attempt to pull away, even as he was squeezed uncomfortably.

“I don’t want you to go. When do you have a day off?”

“Not till we arrive in New York. I get that day off.”

“While they unload all the post.” Chuckled Gavin.

“We are on a Royal Mail ship.” Tim responded.

“It’s unfair that you don’t get a day off till then.”

“I don’t think they planned for this.” Tim sat up and grinned down at his lover. “Terribly remiss of them.”

“I want to hear some more poetry.” Gavin replied, pulling Tim back down.

“Pardon?”

“You’ve recited poetry for me every day so far. I want to hear some more.”

“Any requests?”

“Tell me one from that Shirley person you said you liked.”

“Shelley.” Tim grinned and kissed Gavin’s chest as he thought about which one to tell. “Ozymandias. It’s short enough for me to remember in full:

I met a traveller from an antique land  
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone  
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,  
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,  
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,  
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read  
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,  
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:  
And on the pedestal these words appear:

"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:  
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay  
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare  
The lone and level sands stretch far away.”

“Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair… I think I’ve heard that before.”

“It means that no matter how great something is, vast and larger than life… it will end up in ruins. Such is the fate of man made things, I suppose.”

“Empires too, you reckon?”

“They are man-made. The Roman Empire was once mighty…”

“Indeed.” Gavin pulled Tim up level with his face and began to kiss him again. “It is a shame you have to work. I’d much rather spend all my time in bed with you.”

Tim laughed and kissed his forehead.

“Be that as it may. I’m going to have to go. I need to eat before I begin working.”

“Fine, fine. Go then.” Gavin threw a hand up over his eyes, but watched Tim stand up and dress. 

“Don’t forget to eat.” Tim reminded him as he headed out the door.

\--------

“So, who is she?” Patrick was leaning against the door beside Tim and they waited to open them for anyone coming or going.

“What do you mean?”

“I heard rumours that you didn’t go back to your cabin last night.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” But Tim couldn’t keep the smug grin from his face.

“I’m sure you don’t.”

“I’m saying nothing on the matter.” He laughed, righting to keep himself composed. “Good afternoon, madam.” 

“Have you seen Mr Featherly anywhere? I heard he was on this boat- ship.”

“Sorry, ma’am.”

“Hmm….” She wandered through into the dining saloon, her long red hair flowing loosely down her back.

“How do you know you haven’t seen him? Do you know who he is?”

“Of course not, Patrick. She’ll have to look for her Featherly man herself.”

“Bloody Hell, I know we have only been here a little over three hours, but I hope we aren’t here for the whole eight.”

“I know. I’ll be bored of your face long before then.”

Patrick laughed, and shifted his weight.

“Looks like she’s found him.”

Tim glanced up and saw the woman with her arms thrown around Gavin. His stomach dropped. Gavin? He hadn’t even though to ask what the man’s surname was. He watched as she pulled Gavin’s face down to her own in a kiss.

His eyes clouded with tears as a pain shot through his chest.

“Tim? Timothy? Are you not well?” Patrick’s voice seemed distant, difficult to hear over the roaring of his blood. Tim’s face reddened and his ears were burning as he turned and left his spot. He didn’t know where he was going, but he had to be somewhere else.

He hurried through corridors and down staircases, not caring where he was. Gavin… 

Tim wondered if the pain was his heart breaking. It was ridiculous how much it hurt for something that was merely emotional.

He sank to the floor in one of the storage rooms, and hidden away from the rest of the world, he sobbed.

\---------

“There you are.” Patrick sighed, relief lighting up his face.

It was nearly an hour later, but the saloon was busier, so Tim had felt able to return. 

“I’m sorry.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing.” Tim moved over to a table and began to clear away the empty cups and saucers.

“Bullshit.” He replied, coming to stand beside Tim and help tidy. “What happened? Was it her? No. You didn’t look like you knew her. Him then?”

“You don’t think that I’m- that I should…” Tim tried to ask.

“It’s not entirely unheard of. But, Tim? Don’t get attached to anyone from 1st class. Half of them don’t even seem to be faithful to those they marry.”

“I didn’t mean to get attached at all.”

“Don’t worry about it then. Besides, for all that she threw herself at him in an undignified manner, he didn’t really return the interest.”

“No?” 

“Not at all. He seemed worried when he realised you had disappeared though.”

Tim managed a grin at that.

“I’m sorry. I always over react like that. I’m sure it was nothing.”

“Timothy?” The head waiter’s deep voice cut through Tim’s recovering emotions like a hot knife.

“Yes sir?” he put the pots down on the counter space by the sink and followed the man out to a quiet corner.

“Just where did you go?”

“I’m sorry, sir.”

“You’ve been crying.”

“I’m sorry, sir.”

“I’m taking this out of your wages. Don’t do it again.”

“No, sir.”

“Get back to work.”

“Yes, sir.”

He turned and hurried back out to the monotony of serving the 1st class passengers and appearing totally stoic while doing so.

\---------

“Tim? Here you are. I’ve been looking everywhere.”

It was late in the evening but Tim was stood leaning with his arms on the railings at the bow of the ship. It was too dark to see where they were going, but with all the stars out it was beautiful. 

“Tim? Is there something wrong?”

“I saw you earlier… with that woman.”

“You saw me with Jenny?” Gavin groaned and turned around half sit on the railings. “Timmy…”

“Do I want to know who she is?”

“She was… well, is… my fiancée.”

Tim managed a startled laugh, but put his head down to grasp his hair between his fingers.

“I’m not actually going to marry her. There was a misunderstanding. It’s one of the reasons I’m heading to America, her father is over there so we are going to get it sorted.”

Tim managed a loud whimper but he didn’t say anything.

“Tim, please.” Gavin stood beside him and stared down at him, feeling overly aware of the men on watch above them. “Let’s go back to my room and talk.”

“Yeah, sure.” He scoffed, but he straightened up and followed Gavin through the ship to his rooms anyway.

“It was a number of years ago.” Gavin began sat on his bed with Tim sat beside him, looking insecure. “I had an affair with a man. I met him at the gymnasium and I was utterly taken. Alice, that is my sister who is on board with us, she found out. She told me to protect myself against any rumours that might spread and ruin our reputation.”

“So you got engaged?”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, it turns out she’s… ill… and she has a criminal record. She’s quite an arsonist. I broke off the engagement and put her in a hospital.”

“So, how is she still your fiancée?”

“I didn’t realise she had written to her father about me and got him to make it official. I only found that out recently.”

“Oh.”

“We are heading over there to change it.”

“Does she know why you are going over there?”

“Apparently she thought I was trying to be funny. I’ve explained it to her properly though.”

“Because, it hurt! The time to find out love does actually exist is not when your heart is breaking! It hurt!” Tim snapped, tears once more filling his eyes.

“Timmy…” murmured Gavin, pulling Tim close.

The young man went, allowing himself to be pulled into a warm, secure embrace. His tears began to fall due to his high emotions, though he wasn’t sure if he was entirely happy, sad, angry or somewhere in between them all.

“I never meant to hurt you. I love you.”

“How can you love me?”

“Because I now like to think I know you. You are wonderful and I love you.” Gavin whispered softly, rocking Tim like one might a child.

“Show me.” Tim whispered, turning a determined gaze onto Gavin.

“Indeed.” The man replied.

He stood Tim up and stripped him slowly, taking time to kiss the skin he revealed. The soft press of his lips made Tim moan and his knees buckle but Gavin continued with his task.

Once bare, Gavin made the young man lie down and he froze for a moment, simply staring. Tim blushed fiercely in embarrassment, but Gavin shook his head.

“Don’t. You’re beautiful, remember?”

“Sorry.”

Gavin picked up one of Tim’s feet and pressed a kiss to the sole of it. The young man twitched, but said not a word.

Gavin ran his hands over the cool appendages, allowing his hands to slip higher, onto his calves and up to his knees. He warmed Tim’s body with his gaze, just as much as his rubbing.

“Beautiful.” Gavin murmured again, before rolling Tim over.

It was, if possible, even more embarrassing to lie on his belly, aware than Gavin was looking at his arse. His fingers clenched in the blankets.

“Relax, Tim. You trust me, remember?”

It helped actually, to hear the man say that. He did trust Gavin, completely and with all his heart. He settled in the blankets and enjoyed the feel and his lover’s hands skimming over his body, across his arse and up his back.

The occasional murmurs of “Beautiful…” did nothing to detract from it.

He jumped slightly when he felt Gavin’s lips on his spine, gently mouthing their way down. The feel of the man’s large hands as they rubbed his sides as though he were an animal that needed calming soon served only to arouse him more.

Stopping just above his crack, Gavin pressed a final kiss to his skin and straightened up.

“I’ll save that for when we get to America and have time for a long bath which we can share… I don’t want to taste it until I can claim it anyway.”

“Gavin…” moaned Tim softly, rolling over and reaching for the man.

“We’ll just go slowly. We have the whole night anyway.”


	4. Chapter 4

It was a comfortable start to the next day for Gavin as he stirred. He was settled warmly in his blankets, half dreaming of Tim’s quirky smile when he noticed the young man was no longer beside him. He didn’t bother moving, Tim had mentioned that he needed to be up early when they finally settled down to sleep last night. 

His lover had a long shift today, from 7am until 9pm, with only two half hours off at different points in the day. Gavin had told Tim to come back to his room and eat here. He was going to get together a picnic for him. 

He sighed, puffing out air to try push the loose strands of hair off his face. It didn’t work of course, so he rolled over and worked an arm out of his blankets. He would ask for sandwiches to be made up once the men had retired to brandy and cigars. Tim would be looking after them today, and as tempting as it was to spend the time in the same room as his lover, Gavin rather wanted to get everything ready for when Tim finished.

They were going to have a late evening together. It was Sunday tomorrow, and Tim only had an evening shift, so once they had been to mass they could head back to bed. Gavin was very much looking forward to it.

“Gavin?” Alice’s voice called through the door. “It’s nearly 11. Are you up yet?”

“What?” He croaked, his throat feeling sore as he pushed himself up onto his elbows.

“Unlock the door. I want a word.”

“Give me a minute.” He said, coughing to try and clear his voice. The young man quickly pulled on a shirt and tugged up a lose pair of trousers. He didn’t bother with braces, or any underclothing. He just checked he was decent enough and unlocked the door. 

Alice slid in, opening the door just enough to step in, aware her brother wouldn’t be ready yet. 

“What are you doing with that serving boy?” She said, her voice low and serious.

“What do you mean?”

“You spend a great deal of time with him, or it seems, distracted by him.” Her arms folded over her chest as she glared at him.

“It’s just him. Truly, sister. I… I love him.”

“L-Love?” Her eyes widened as she took note of her brother’s tone.

“It’s like nothing I have ever felt.” He confided. 

“And how does he feel.”

“He reciprocates my feelings.”

“I’m sure.” She scoffed. “He just wants your money.”

“We haven’t talked about it. Well, he mentioned that first class isn’t very good for tipping, but other than that.”

“What do you talk about?” Her curiosity got the better of her, especially when she saw the warm shine in Gavin’s eyes.

“Poetry, would you believe? He loves poetry. Beyond that, there isn’t terribly much talking.” Gavin could feel his face burning.

“Too busy dancing?” She teased. “Get dressed. I’ll wait outside.”

Gavin grinned, slamming the door shut as she stepped out. He could hear her laughing as he began to dress properly.

He ended up spending a large portion of his day in the gymnasium; lifting weighting, rowing back and forth, then into the swimming pools and finally playing a game of squash with his sister’s ‘gentleman friend’, whom she had been far more discreet about than Gavin had with Tim. 

At dinner, Gavin’s eyes only left Tim when the young man left the room. He seemed tired. He decided he would treat Tim to lunch at Café Parisen, he was aware even without his sister’s frequently reminders, that Tim was not a woman he was attempting to court, but he also knew he wanted to treat the man to something… and they couldn’t exactly have food in this saloon as everyone would know Tim. 

As they ate, he quietly informed his sister of his plans for the evening; well, some of his plans. He told her about the picnic and asked for her advice on what to get to eat. She sat at stared at Tim for a while, watching his skinny body weave in between the tables as he cleared plates.

“I’ll bring you up some soup at about nine fifteen. It’ll be hot for when he has finished working. You can get sandwiches for yourself. Do you have wine?”

“Wine?”

“You say he has a large portion of tomorrow off? Give the man a drink.” She grinned at him. It wasn’t perfectly true, but she was trying to be supportive and Gavin appreciated the effort.

“Good idea.”

“Are you going to do something other than eat and… the obvious?”

“Pardon?”

“If he has worked for fourteen hours today, he may be too tired to get straight into it. Pick out and book so you can both relax and read for a bit before bed.” She was blushing, but her face was serious as she spoke. Gavin took a moment to consider her words. Maybe he could find some prose to read, or some enjoyable poetry… though to be honest, he hoped Tim would have another poem for him this evening.

“I’ll think about it.” He assured her. 

“Good. Now, eat your beef.”

\---XXX---

It was nearly ten past nine in the evening when Tim made his way to Gavin’s room. Tim grinned widely, his exhausted face lighting up when he saw the food spread out on a blanket, two wine glasses set by a bottle on the floor too.

“A picnic?” He laughed, delight colouring his voice.

“Yeah, so sit.” Gavin grinned back. Tim dropped to his hands and knees and leaned over to press their lips together in a soft, sweet kiss. As he pulled back, they heard a voice.

“Knock, knock, Gavin. My hands are full here.” Alice was on the other side. Gavin smiled reassuringly at Tim, who had shifted to sit against the wall, as though trying to hide, before he stood up and let his sister in. 

She carried a tray with a pot, a covered plate and a ladle on it, but there was also a paper bag on the tray. Gavin glanced curiously at it, raising his brow.

“Your soup, some bread rolls and I brought you some sherbet. I figured you could manage without liquorice to lick it off though.” She grinned at him, her eyes flicking towards Tim, who was still curled up against the wall. “Shy, is he?”

“Thank you, Alice.” Gavin responded, ignoring her question and practically shoving her out the door. Her gentle laughter could be heard as he shut and locked it behind her.

Tim shuffled his way back onto the blankets as Gavin grabbed two bowls and began to portion out some soup into them.

“Here.”

“Thank you.”

They were quiet as they ate, Tim’s attention taken up with what he was consuming, and Gavin’s with his anticipation for the rest of the evening. As he stared at the teenager’s face, Gavin supposed his sister was correct in assuming Tim would be tired. They could relax together for a while before doing anything energetic.

“Is it alright?” He asked as he struggled with the cork in a fresh bottle of wine.

“It’s wonderful. Thank you… Give that here.” Tim chuckled and took the bottle and the corkscrew off Gavin. A moment later and there was a pop as the cork came loose and Tim gave his lover the bottle back. 

Gavin filled their glasses up and took a sip, leaning back against the wall as he did so.

“How are you feeling?” he inquired, feeling utterly relaxed.

“Better than I’ve been all day, thank you.” Tim smiled warmly at him. “I’m glad this day is over and done with. I have another shift this long on the way back home, but that’s a distance away now.” 

“I’m glad. Fourteen hours is a long time on your feet.”

Tim snagged up wine glass between his fingers and half crawled over to curl into Gavin’s chest. “It is indeed.” 

“Tell me another poem?”

“Sure.” Tim laughed. “Any requests?”

“There is a poet called Poe, right? I hear he is popular.”

“His aren’t the most cheerful poems ever, but how about _A Dream within a Dream_?”

“Whatever you think is best.” Gavin felt lucky he had remembered the name of a poet at all, so he settled Tim comfortably in his arms and gave the young man his attention.

“This is a poem about the moment of death. He compares it to a dream, then points out how difficult it is to hold onto any moment in time: 

Take this kiss upon the brow!  
And, in parting from you now,  
Thus much let me avow-  
You are not wrong, who deem  
That my days have been a dream;  
Yet if hope has flown away  
In a night, or in a day,  
In a vision, or in none,  
Is it therefore the less gone?  
All that we see or seem  
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar  
Of a surf-tormented shore,  
And I hold within my hand  
Grains of the golden sand-  
How few! yet how they creep  
Through my fingers to the deep,  
While I weep- while I weep!  
O God! can I not grasp  
Them with a tighter clasp?  
O God! can I not save  
One from the pitiless wave?  
Is all that we see or seem  
But a dream within a dream?”

“Amid the roar…” Gavin murmured, once Tim had stilled against him. “And pitiless waves… Not the best poem while we are at sea.”

“I find the idea fascinating.” Confessed Tim, shifting to take a sip of his wine.

“So is the sand moments in time, or memories?”

“I think of it as time, like an hour glass. Poe usually has the sea represent death and decay, so all time is lost in it eventually.”

“Do you know any other poems about the sea?” Asked Gavin, curiously. 

“Of course. Lord Tennyson’s _Crossing the Bar_.”

“Recite that one for me?”

“Sunset and evening star  
And one clear call for me!  
And may there be no moaning of the bar,  
When I put out to sea,

But such a tide as moving seems asleep,  
Too full for sound and foam,  
When that which drew from out the boundless deep  
Turns again home.

Twilight and evening bell,  
And after that the dark!  
And may there be no sadness of farewell,  
When I embark;

For though from out our bourne of Time and Place  
The flood may bear me far,  
I hope to see my Pilot face to face  
When I have crossed the bar.”

“What is the bar?” Asked Gavin, wondering if it was some nautical term he had never heard.

“It’s a metaphor.”

“What for?”

“The barrier between life and death. The Pilot is Jesus, who leads us all to God the Father, and he says he wants to meet this fate peacefully, no mournful farewells.”

“So the bar is the line between this life and the next? What does he mean by ‘too full for sound or foam’?”

“Well… an actual sandbar is something that forms in river mouths and in harbours. You have to get past it to get out into the ocean. If you think of the sea as death, then you have to get past this bar to die. To move past it on a high tide, or a full tide, would be like dying in his sleep, I assume. I only learnt this one a few months ago. I haven’t had the chance to think about every aspect yet.”

Tim grinned brightly up at him.

“There seem to be a lot of poems that view the ocean as death.”

“That’s because for many people it is. Lots of people don’t know how to swim, including sailors.”

“Really? Seems like an important skill to me.”

“It’s a bit of an old idea, but if you are at sea and fall in the water, you will only prolong your suffering by knowing how to swim.”

“No, you prolong your chance of rescue.”

“Would a moving ship really stop and turn around to pick up someone who fell over board? Maybe if the ship was anchored at the time, but otherwise… Plus in the winter months, you could well die from the temperature of the water anyway.”

“Could we die from it now?”

“Yeah. It’ll be freezing. I suppose it’ll be different for some people, but your body just stops working when it gets too cold. Have you ever fell in an icy lake? You kind of freeze up and it’s hard to move.”

“You’ve fallen in an icy lake?”

“No, a friend of mine while we were in Northern England. She slipped while we were out in a boat… It was frightening…”

Gavin kissed the top of his head, but didn’t say anything else. His mind was filled with images of the deep water he had been admiring when the set out… of how cold it would be… he had bathed in cold water before when he had been in a rush. It was difficult to put your body into such an unpleasant experience… the idea that the sea was death and decay suddenly made far more sense.

He shuddered, despite sitting in a warm room with a warm body pressed against his own.

Tim put his wine glass down and leaned into kiss Gavin softly. 

“So, what are the plans for the rest of the evening?”

“If you like, we can always retire to bed?” Murmured Gavin, pressing kisses down Tim’s neck. 

“Am I staying the night? I’m sure you need to be up for mass in the morning.”

“Which one do you go to?”

“We have a service in a different area. First and Second class workers have them at the same time as you, so we are available when you get out.”

“Excellent. My sister is going to give me a call in time for ours. She doesn’t let mother call me anymore because she knows you are here.”

“Well, best not waste the opportunity.” Purred Tim softly, his eyes skimming down Gavin’s chest as he leaned in to press his lips to the man’s neck. 

The older man basked in the feel of Tim’s lips roaming his skin before pushing the other off. His blood was surging hotly through his body and his attention was focussed solely on Tim, but he knew they would be better off on the bed. 

However, Tim took the separation as an invitation to start stripping, which he did slowly, with his eyes centred on Gavin’s face. He was only in his shirts, braces, trousers and footwear, having removed the rest of his clothing before eating, but as he slowly slid his braces off his shoulder, moving to begin unfastening his trousers, Gavin let out a loud whimper. His breath was coming quickly now and there was a chance he was actually drooling.

It was fortunate they had a long night ahead of them.


	5. Chapter 5

Tim woke the next day to a sharp rap on the door. He jumped half out of bed, wondering if he was late for something. Two hands wrapped around his arms and pulled him back down.

“I’m up, Alice. I’m up.” Gavin called out sleepily. 

Tim paid no mind to what the woman said in response. He lay back down against Gavin and waited for his speeding heart to settle back down in his chest. It was ridiculous that that had scared him so much, Gavin had locked the door and his sister was hardly going to walk in and get angry; she knew about them and while she wasn’t thrilled, she wasn’t against them.

He shut his eyes and focussed on Gavin’s large hand heavily petting his hair. They would have to get up and head to mass soon. Thankfully, they had eaten late last night, so he wasn’t hungry yet. He was glad he hadn’t gotten a late shift and finished after midnight, or the wait before he could eat would have been even longer unless he wanted to skip communion. Being at sea, Tim did not want to miss it though; he wasn’t scared of sailing, but he would take every bit of help he could get.

“We have to be up soon.” Murmured Gavin, running a hand up and down Tim’s bare back. 

“I certainly have to be.” Tim sighed. “I have further to go than you.” 

“You can run.” He replied, and Tim crawled up to press a kiss to his thin lips. 

“I am going to have to go. I didn’t bring a change of clothes last night.”

He sat up and swung his legs out of the bed, grinning when he felt Gavin sit up and press up against his back. The man pressed kisses down his neck, however Tim had to pull away.

“You are not putting me in a reverent mood.” He laughed, standing up and heading over to the chair his shirt had been dropped hastily the previous evening.

“I’ll see you after mass, right?”

“If you want to see me.” Though, Tim didn’t feel as confident as he wanted to about this. He felt oddly frightened about the idea that this was just a passing fancy of Gavin’s, that the man would forget about him once he stepped off Titanic and onto America’s soil.

“Timmy…” Gain gave him a slightly exasperated look. “If I didn’t want to see you, I would say so. But, I love you. I want to see you.”

“I love you.” Tim grinned widely and paused in dressing, leaning over to kiss him again. “I’ll meet you here at half eleven?”

“I’ll be here.” 

\---XXX---

After mass, and praying that he and Gavin would be able to find some happiness together, Tim headed back to their cabins with Patrick.

“How’s your Gavin?” asked Patrick quietly. 

“Well. It’s… like nothing I’ve ever left.”

“I felt like that when I met my wife.” The man gave him a wistful smile.

“Really? Where did you meet her?” He didn’t actually know much about the man he called a friend.

“At the church on our wedding day.” He smiled softly. “It was arranged, but I think it was the best thing to ever happen to me.”

“I can’t imagine.” The idea of meeting anyone in the church was an unpleasant one. He was utterly thankful his mother didn’t believe in arranged marriages.

“I think I was as smitten with her as quickly as you were with your man.”

“How would you know?” he laughed.

“I have eyes!” Patrick replied, managing very well to keep a serious countenance on his face. “I saw you that first day. You fell in a second.”

“I never did believe in love. He changed my mind in a second.”

Tim froze as they walked into the library on C-Deck. He could see Gavin in there, beside the red-headed woman whose name he could not remember. She had her arms around him and was pressed too close. Although their position did not allow Tim to see if Gavin returned the gesture, he could see the man hadn’t pushed her away. 

Patrick linked his arm through Tim’s and pulled him away, apparently having spotted Gavin and that woman too. The young man paid no attention to where they were walking, unable to do much beyond remembering arms that were not his own wrapped around the man he now loved.

How he wished he had never met Gavin. Who could take this pain? Tears began to fall and he collapsed against the corridor wall. He felt a hand on his shoulder and opened his eyes to see Patrick crouched in front of him, an uncertain look on his face as he tried to comfort Tim.

“I sh-shouldn’t be surprised.” He tried to reassure Patrick. “I’ve not even known him a week.”

“I’m sure it meant nothing.” Patrick said quietly. “He probably came down here looking for you and was ambushed by her.”

“Why didn’t he move away then? He was just standing there.”

“He was probably too surprised to move straight away.”

“You think?”

“Why else would he be down on C-Deck? I doubt there was a book he wanted to read so much that he was willing to go to the second class library.”

“Yes… you’re right. Of course. I’m sorry, I always over react.” The pain in his chest lessened and it became easier to breathe.

“Want to head back?”

“No, not yet. Whatever will people think of me?”

“I doubt they noticed. We don’t really mingle with anyone outside our own saloon so they won’t remember you.”

Tim relaxed and grinned. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and dried his eyes before standing up and following his friends back down corridors. They parted a little after eleven and Tim headed off to Gavin’s room. He would be early, but he didn’t know what else to do.

He stood for only a few minutes outside when his lover turned up. The man looked down, but managed to force a smile on his face when he saw Tim.

“Did you lie?” Tim asked as they stepped inside. 

“What? No, Timmy. What’s the matter?”

“I saw you in the library.” He said quickly, tears beginning to well up as he remembered, but he stepped back when Gavin stepped closer with his arms reaching. “Don’t touch me!”

“Tim. I… She ought to be locked up in the Bedlam asylum in Southwark.”

“So, you don’t love her?” he asked, needing to check.

“I love you, Tim.” Gavin leaned in close and kissed him. Tim let him, but didn’t return the gesture.

“It’s just, you come from a rich family. What if they want you to be seen with someone?”

“I’m the second son and the youngest child. I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to be eccentric.” Gavin grinned at him and wrapped his arms around Tim’s body. The younger man leaned in and returned to embrace.

“You don’t mind? I don’t want to be arrested, so we don’t have to tell anyone, but they won’t mind the lack of grandbabies?”

“I’ll be seen with you if you like. We can visit the Lily Pond in London.” Gavin looked so distressed that Tim finally believed him. 

“We don’t have to. I’m not sure if I’ll be telling my own mother yet.” Tim kissed him. 

“Will she be wanting grandchildren?”

“She won’t be expecting any. She knows I have no interest in women, but I couldn’t tell her the truth when she asked if I fancy men. She thinks I have little interest in anyone… well, not sexually at least.”

Tim cut off Gavin’s response by pressing their lips together in a passionate lock, one hand moving to grasp his hair as the other dropped to brush his buttocks. Gavin responded by pressing Tim up against the door and sliding his fingers inside the back of Tim’s slacks.

His heart fluttered as Gavin pulled away to whisper his love over and over in between gentle kisses to Tim’s face. 

“We should be heading to lunch.” He said too soon, pulling back to let Tim move away from his spot against the door.

“I don’t want to.” Groaned Tim, arousal still surging through him. 

Gavin did not object. He moved in to strip both his lover and himself. They both dropped to the bed, desire flooding their senses of their flesh met in a loving clinch as their bodies began to rock in the now familiar movement. 

Familiar, Tim was aware, but not old. He didn’t think the soft caress of Gavin’s skin could ever get old. He didn’t even think it could lose its novelty, the thrill he felt at the hot breath scattering across him and the wonderful weight pressing him down did not seem as though it would ever disappear.

“I love you.” He moaned softly as his awareness of anything but his lover dissipated. 

“I need you.” Came the response, groaned low in his ear.

He whimpered at that, the knowledge that Gavin was as deep in this odd relationship as he was sent powerful surges of heat rushing through him. Listening to Gavin pant heavily against him, he knew he was not alone.

\---XXX---

They headed to a late lunch, eating together in a different restaurant to the one Tim worked in. It was strange to be treated as though he was a first class passenger, but he did his best to enjoy the experience. 

He chatted casually with Gavin up until the moment his lover’s sister and mother arrived. They looked surprised to see their relative but headed over nonetheless.

“Gavin.” The older woman nodded as she settled down into a chair.

“Mother. Alice.” Gavin stood up and helped tuck her chair in, before doing the same for his sister. “This is Tim.”

His mother nodded coolly at Tim and his sister gave him a curious stare. Tim tried to shrink down into his chair. Despite what Gavin had said earlier about any eccentricities being accepted, he wasn’t so sure in the face of these women.

He couldn’t help but rush the remains of his meal as he listened to Gavin explain they were not having a large spot of afternoon tea but a late lunch. He especially couldn’t stand Alice’s knowing smirk. As soon as his plate was clean, he excused himself and headed out the café.

“Oh, I think we scared your friend off.” The younger woman said, too loudly to be discreet. He wondered if leaving like that was against etiquette, but hopefully no one would really mind. He couldn’t stand being stared at like a zoo creature though.

“I’ll sort this out dear.” Said a soft voice. “You go see your friend. Make sure to apologise for your sister’s rude staring.”

Tim was through the doors at the far end as so didn’t hear Gavin’s reply, but he stood against the wall just outside and waited.

“Timmy? Are you alright?” a warm hand landed on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I may have reacted incorrectly to your sister.” He couldn’t look up, afraid of seeing disapproval in his lover’s beautiful blue eyes.

“No. Don’t worry.” The hand moved under his chin and his head was tilted up. Gavin’s eyes were soft, concerned… there was no trace of irritation in them.

“Shall we take a walk?” he asked, aware that they were right in the doorway.

“Let’s.” 

Out on deck, it was fairly chilly, especially when the wind blew. However, Tim found he didn’t care. The two men walked slowly along, no real conversation bubbling up, but they were content in each other’s company. 

They watched as people milled around them, many with carefully held frames and stern looking faces. Tim mused that he wouldn’t like to live in this world; it seemed cold and unforgiving. He rather wondered how Gavin had survived it, the lack of laughter and pranks.

Tim had no siblings, his mother having left Germany soon after she fell pregnant in response to her parents trying to marry her off. However, he had grown up in a close knit community. His mother had simply changed her surname and told everyone her husband had died back in Germany and she had been accepted as a neighbour.

Tim had had a fairly normal childhood; he had attended school until the age of 12, working on the evenings on a nearby farm to help his mother earn money, then taking more work there once he had finished his education. He had played in the streets with the other children, pushing and laughing with them. He had lived in a small house with 2 rooms upstairs and 2 downstairs, and a large hearth was always well tended. His favourite memories included helping his mother prepare food at the table. On the evenings he didn’t work, he often went and helped several aging neighbours with their cooking.

He missed cooking. He missed the old woman on the corner of the village green, who had always been able to afford meat, and was often willing to feed Tim when he came around to help prepare her food and cook for her. He never got coins for the work, but he got enough food to keep his hunger at bay.

It had meant his mother had been able to indulge in luxuries such as borrowing poetry books, or even buying them. 

He wondered what it was like to view manners as the main concern in life, more so than checking they would have enough food to eat, or enough fuel to stay warm over the winter.

He supposed he rather preferred his own life though. He had seen plenty of interactions between people in first class, between mothers and their children… there were no random cuddles, no running around and laughing… there was no fun. Life seemed utterly dull for them, and they did not seem to care.

It was a miracle anyone, never mind just Gavin, came out intact from such a childhood.

“I’ll have to head back and get changed.” Tim said at last.

“Will anyone be there?”

“I don’t think so. Edward and Robin both finished at 5 and James will be working until 8.” It was not yet 3 in the afternoon.

They headed down to Tim’s cabin, and as he switched outfits, Gavin lay on his bed and looked through his poetry book again.

“You’ve not recited a poem for me today.” Gavin said, suddenly.

“I’ll go for Robert Lewis Stevenson then.” Tim smiled softly. “I’ll recite _A Good Play_ :  
We built a ship upon the stairs  
All made of the back-bedroom chairs,  
And filled it full of soft pillows  
To go a-sailing on the billows. 

We took a saw and several nails,  
And water in the nursery pails;  
And Tom said, "Let us also take  
An apple and a slice of cake;"--  
Which was enough for Tom and me  
To go a-sailing on, till tea. 

We sailed along for days and days,  
And had the very best of plays;  
But Tom fell out and hurt his knee,  
So there was no one left but me.”

Tim recited it gently as he buttoned up his clothing and pulled on his jacket, his mind still filled with thoughts of his childhood.

“That one was almost cheerful.” Gavin laughed, as he watched his lover.

“It mostly is. It reminds me very strongly of being little, of playing with a friend, and then one day that friend had to grow up and no longer played games with me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Well, not really. I don’t think it happened overnight, but even so, he stopped playing. I thought he had lost his imagination, but I realised years later he probably found the girls in our village more interesting than playing pretend with me.”

“I’ll play make-believe any time you like.” Gavin raised his brow and tried to grin suggestively, but his laughter got in the way. Tim couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculous look on his lover’s face.

“I’ll remember that.” He sighed and moved to stand by the door. “Are we meeting tonight?”

“Of course. Come to my room when you have finished.”

“I think I’ll be there till after midnight tonight. This is my very late night one, and the other men who have done this previously said it was nearly 1 in the morning when they got to leave.”

“Just knock. I’ll wait up for you.” Gavin stood up and grasped his hands. “I want to be with you at night.”

“You can take my poetry book with you if you like? It will give you something to read.” Tim grinned as his heart thundered suddenly. He hoped Gavin would accept, that he would see the gesture for what it was.

“I promise I will keep it safe.” He whispered, leaning forwards to kiss Tim’s lips. 

“Shall I lead you back up to your deck?” Tim asked, wondering if his lover would be able to remember how to get up from here.

“I’ll come with you. I know how to get to my room from the saloon.”

\---XXX---

Tim’s shift was slow. People slowly chatted as they ate their meals, and the young waiter shifted from one foot to the other, trying to look blank as he wished for something to do. It was a change from many of the other dinner shifts he had had, where he had been very busy.

Patrick stood beside him, asking him about how things were with Gavin now when the head waiter was out of view. They were both assigned to the room where the men who be drinking brandy and smoking though, and the head waiter disappeared off at that point, so they kept drinks topped up, ash trays emptied and chatted quietly as they did so. 

Tim didn’t see Gavin at all though, so he assumed he and his family had taken their meal elsewhere. 

A little after half eleven, there was a shudder and the engines stopped. Tim frowned slightly, but he didn’t stand up from his position of leaning against a wall beside Patrick. He rather liked the idea of slowing down; he would get to spend more time with Gavin.

However, when some of the crew came hurrying in just before midnight, demanding that everyone don their lifejackets and head up on deck, Tim began to feel concern. He and Patrick both hurried into the kitchens to put their lifejackets on and hurried onto deck.

“Are we supposed to leave? We haven’t finished our shift yet?” Patrick wondered as they moved.

“I don’t care.” Tim replied simply. “Though, I would like to go and check Gavin is well.”

“He’s first class, he’ll be looked after. Come on.”

The two men hurried through the crowds and stood staring out at the mass of people outside.

“This way.” Said Tim, moving to try and head towards a boat.

“Women and children only!” called one of the crew over the bubble of voices. “I want just the women and children.”

“I want to find out what happened.” Said Patrick, grabbing Tim’s arm and pulling him through the crowd. “Peter! Peter! What’s going on?”

“No idea. We’ve just been told to get the women and children on deck.” The seaman Patrick had apparently befriended gave them an apologetic look as he returned to his duty.

“What happened?” Patrick asked a couple of third class American men.

“We hit an iceberg.” One of them answered, his heavy brow knitting with worry. “I heard shouting about sinking when I went to listen in on some of the crew.”

“Titanic is unsinkable.” Tim replied, a cold fear gripping his heart. “She won’t go down.”

“She’s a ship made of metal. I’ll bet she can sink.” The man replied.

“No.” Tim whispered. 

He turned and ran through the crowds, desperate to find Gavin. He had to know his lover was safe. There were people everywhere, though, blocking passageways and refusing to move. There were crowds of panicked people hurrying in different directions and Tim struggled with this. He got turned about several times in corridors and had to hunt out different ways to his lover’s cabin.

When he finally got there, the door was closed, but not locked. Inside, the lights were out and the room was empty. Gavin wasn’t here. Tim took a moment to look around the space, trying to take in their place of intimacy before hurrying back out.

Once out, he stood for a long minute as he considered where to go next. Back to the saloon, perhaps. If Tim was Gavin, he would go looking for his lover in the place he was meant to be. There majority of the first class seemed to have moved, and Tim was thankful. 

He ran through the corridors, thinking about anything but the ice cold water that was slowly filling the ship. He couldn’t swim. It had never been a priority when he had been little but the thought of being plunged into the cold water was terrifying. 

His heart thumped painfully against his chest as he approached the saloon. It was empty. It looked neat and tidy, as it did once all the guests had left for their other destinations on an evening. He stood in the room, turning around to check he wasn’t just missing Gavin, but the man wasn’t there.

No, perhaps Patrick had been right. Gavin was first class, he would be allowed on the boats and he would be safe. Even if he wasn’t, Gavin could swim! The man would be fine.

He glanced at the clock as he headed for the door. It was after 1am already… he had spent so much time in a mindless panic…

He began to move again, trying to pay no mind to the tilt that was becoming evident. It made the whole thing seem too real.

However, he kept searching. He did not know what else to do. Gavin seemed to be the one safe thing Tim could think of, and he desperately looked for him. It was over an hour alter when Tim bumped into Patrick, who had been far more useful than the younger man and had been assisting the crew on filling lifeboats.

With terror flooding his veins and dumbing his mind, he allowed Patrick to pull him back up on deck and up towards to stern of the ship. He said nothing as they began to struggle against the incline, stopping before the top to wrap themselves around the railings and hold on.

Tim wanted to cry. He wanted to shut his eyes and remember happier times, but the cold air seemed to have frozen his eyes open. He could do nothing but peer into the water’s bottomless depths. Reading about how the sea was death, and staring it in the face were two different things.

He had thought he had understood the fear he had read about in his poems, but he had never expected the feelings described to be so… literal.

He had read of the vast, yawning chasm of the ocean; he had read of the way she ate people up. He had never expected to feel as though he was staring down the throat of some large predator… as though it was some great creature he was unable to communicate with but desperate to plead with.

He remembered reading Ozymandias to Gavin… about the fall of man made things when people got proud. It made sense that pride was such a sin; after all, hadn’t it been said the Titanic was unsinkable… 

Tim turned his attention to God, shutting his eyes to block out the black abyss and plead for his life. Tears began to fall, but he didn’t care to let go and wipe them away. Beside him, he could hear Patrick praying too, stuttering over his words as fear gripped him.

He wanted to reach out and comfort his friend, but he could not move.

As there was a loud crack and the ship rocked, Tim felt his inside revolt. He began to retch, squeezing his eyes tightly as his whole body trembled violently. As the Titanic began to pull back to a steep angle and sink into the icy void, Tim’s mind went blank. 

As they hit the water, his mind filled with Gavin and clung to it.


	6. Chapter 6

Gavin sat in the boat, limbs trembling as he stared in mounting horror at the ship. There were screams cutting across the water, unimpeded by any obstacles. The stern was high in the air and the lights flickered out.

The young man gasped, his trembling increasing as he wondered where Tim was. He desperately hoped that his lover had managed to find a boat, but could not manage to convince himself that he had. Instead, he prayed that Tim was not one of those unfortunates he could see falling from the steep angle of the ship.

He brought his hands up and hid his face as it continued to sink, unable to watch any further. Around him, he could hear people praying, sobbing, retching… he focussed on that, rather than the screaming. He focussed on praying. 

He prayed for Tim’s life. He passingly wondered if it was selfish of him not to focus on anyone else, but it was Tim he prayed for with fervour. 

There was a minor increase in the screams around him and Gavin opened his eyes to look across the moonless water. Titanic was gone. His stomach cramped as he stared in helpless agony at the spot he had last seen her. 

Tears began to blur his vision and his breathing came out in short pants. He could not believe it. She was gone. The Ship of Dreams, the Unsinkable Ship… she was heading to the ocean floor. 

“We need to go get them.” He croaked, still shuddering terribly, though in his thick coat he was not cold.

“We cannot.” The crewman in charge of their boat replied, though the regret was clear in his face. “We’ll be capsized.” 

“Please.” He said, thinking of Tim. The man couldn’t swim…

“I wish we could.” 

Gavin looked out over the other boats, trying to determine how many could go back to those in the water if they merged their numbers. A hand reached out to clasp his shoulders, and Gavin leaned into his sister.

“He may be fine.” She whispered, and Gavin wished that he had not gone to Murdock’s side of the ship, who had been letting women and children on first and then allowing men to fill up the spaces. 

He wished he had gone looking for Tim, for surely nothing could be worse than sitting here, unaware of whether or not he had survived.

Gavin could not help but hold some admiration for the women whose husbands were left behind, for some were managing to remain… not calm, but not hysterical.

After a while, the cries began to die down. The watery graveyard became quiet apart from a few cries, and they could hear the calls of an officer who had emptied a boat and taken it to look for survivors.

He shut his eyes and returned to his prayers. He ignored his own discomforts, which were now becoming more obvious. He ignored his thirst, he ignored the cold, he ignored the pain of his heart breaking; he simply prayed.

“Is anyone alive out there?” called a voice across the water. But Gavin could hear no reply.

“He’ll be fine.” Whispered Alice, rocking beside him. “He’ll be fine, Gavin.”

But Gavin could make no reply. He began to sob harshly, the cold air cutting into his body and making him choke. He turned and buried his face into the cold material of his sister’s lifejacket.

“Can anyone hear me? Hello?”

And still he could hear no reply.

\--------

Sitting aboard the RMS Carpathia later on, Gavin could muster no energy to search for Tim. He watched women question the crew taking lists about whether or not their husbands were alive, but Gavin did not even know Tim’s surname. 

He just lay against his sister, refusing to go inside to one of the cabins, but unwilling to go searching in case he was not there. His mother was sat on the other side of him, leaning against a wall and grasping on of his hands in both of hers.

“Are you not going to look for him?” Alice asked, but Gavin simply shook his head and rolled over to cuddle into his mother.

He was pleased when she did not push him away, but rather gripped his shoulders in a protective hold. They were not a demonstrative family when it came to showing their feelings, but the night had left them all in need of comfort.

“I’m going to look for you then.” Alice stood up. “I can’t- I can’t just sit here.” He could hear the tears in her voice.

But Gavin made no move to follow her, simply remained where he was with his head in his mother’s lap. He listened to the soft bustle of people as they searched for loved ones, the cries getting more and more desperate when, despite the rescue, they could not find those whom they were seeking. 

He lay and tried to imagine what he would do with a gap in his heart. He could no longer bear the idea of working as his family did, but he wanted to have a job… 

More than that, he wanted Tim.

He started to cry again, body shaking as his mother rubbed a hand over his shoulders. He was exhausted. He wanted to sleep curled around Tim, and yet he did not want sleep if he was alone. He dying, ghostly cries still echoed in his ears.

“Take your name, ma’am?” came a voice above him.

“Enid Featherly. This is my son, Gavin and my daughter Alice has gone for a walk.” His mother informed the crewman. 

Gavin made no movements though. He felt a deep lethargy coming over him and he lay there.

“Thank you ma’am. First Class?”

“Yes.”

“There is food available if you care to head to the saloon.”

Gavin felt a wretched sob tear through him at that. His mind filled with the memory of seeing Tim in Titanic’s first class saloon, filling wine glasses and smiling demurely at people. He remembered the second it had taken him to make a decision to write him a note.

He felt no desire to eat anything, though perhaps the chance to wet his throat would be acceptable.

“We’ll wait for my daughter to return. Thank you.” 

Gavin pulled himself up, eyes scanning the deck for his sister. He had no idea how long she had been gone, but the sun was fairly high in the sky already. When she did return though, she was alone.

“I’ll keep looking later, Gavin. I’m not done yet.” She assured him.

They headed over to the saloon, which was mercifully different to Titanic’s. However, Gavin found he still had no appetite. The sight of food turned his stomach, and he sat with a glass of water clasped between his fingers.

His sister ceased in her efforts to comfort him, leaving him to sit in silence and weep. 

The cabin they were given was small, Gavin had his own small room that was smaller than the one Tim had shared with his crewmates, and Alice and his mother had their own room, slightly larger but with 2 beds.

Gavin simply wrapped himself up in the blanket and clung to Tim’s poetry book that he had kept with him. 

By Wednesday the 17th of April, Gavin barely left his room. 

He lay in his bed and waited for something to happen, wondering vaguely if anything would break this lethargic depression that had fallen over him.

He couldn’t sleep though. The dark reminded him of the moment when Titanic’s lights cut out and when he shut his eyes he could hear the echoes of the screams that had permeated the cold air.

He himself hadn’t spoken a word since then. He knew his family was worried, yet he was struggling to care.

“Gavin?” Alice’s voice called through the door. “I’m coming in.”

Gavin stared at the door, wondering if she could bring a distraction, something to take his mind off the last week.

Alice stepped in, pulling someone in behind her.

Gavin felt a burst of energy go through him. Tim!

She had found Tim!

The young man was thinner than he had been before, with blue eyes staring blankly out in front of him.

“Tim.” He said, voice cracking. He staggered to his feet and pulled Tim into his arms. 

He barely noticed Alice leaving and shutting the door behind her as he noticed just how blank Tim was.

“Tim?” he whispered, but it did not rouse the younger man.

Gavin gently pushed him onto the bed and curled around him. With Tim settled in his arms, he relaxed and shut his eyes.

A few hours later, Tim turned and nuzzled his face into Gavin’s neck, but the man barely noticed as he was finally sleeping.

The comfortable sleep did not last long enough though. Barely six hours after settling down, Gavin awoke with a yell, one hand reaching out to cling to someone as they fell into icy depths. He sat up, gasping, body shaking with fear.

Tim stirred at the movement, blue eyes slowly opening at blinking up at him.

“I love you.” Gavin rasped at him, needing to get the words out, even though his voice was still rough.

Tim’s eyes focussed on him, and a hesitant smile spread across his face. Gavin leaned down and kissed him softly, feeling his whole body flutter with an innocent sort of joy when Tim reciprocated. When he pulled back, Tim sat up and flung his arms around Gavin’s neck, sobbing quietly into his chest.

Gavin couldn’t stop the tears falling down his own face, relief at seeing Tim awake and reactive to his surrounding left him feeling weak. 

They sat in a tight embrace until Alice returned, knocking softly before peeking her head inside. The utter relief on her face made Gavin feel slightly guilty.

“I told you he’d be fine.” She said, her voice wobbling slightly as she smiled at them.

“Yes, you did.” 

“Come on. Mother will be pleased to see you smiling.”

Gavin stood up and pulled Tim to his feet. They were both a terrible mess, but they did not have a change of clothing. Tim stepped away from the door though, shaking his head as his brow creased with fear.

“What’s the matter, Tim?” Gavin asked, eager to get to the saloon and eat something. Tim simply shook his head. “Here. Take my hand. I won’t leave you again.”  
With Tim’s hand clutched in his own, they set out. In the corridors, no one was bothered by their gesture; many of the survivors were clinging to one another.

“Gavin!” the young men both startled when Enid Featherly jumped up out of her seat and threw her arms around her son’s torso. She then turned and offered Tim a hand to shake, her pleased grin forcing Tim to reach out and take it.

Tim refused to let go of his hand all the way through their meal. He picked at his food with one hand, a haunted look on his face as his eyes scanned the survivors.

“Are you looking for someone?” Gavin asked softly.

“Patrick.” Tim breathed back. “Harkins.” 

“I’ll ask later on for you.” He said, and Tim nodded.

They didn’t speak for the rest of the meal though, quietly absorbing the other’s presence in utter relief. When, at the end of the day, Tim leaned against Gavin and fell asleep on his shoulder, neither his mother nor Alice objected as they once would have.

Gavin was thankful, for he would not have dislodged his lover to keep them happy.

After all, he loved Tim and Tim needed him.


	7. Chapter 7

Tim curled closer to Gavin as he lay on the thin mattress. The hotels in the city were packed, the survivors of Titanic staying anywhere affordable and many coming from surrounding areas, drawn in by the tragedy. 

He shut his eyes and gripped his lover’s shirt, his mind blank. It was difficult to pull his thoughts together, and the awareness that he wasn’t feeling himself didn’t annoy him like he knew it should. The grip Gavin had on him in return was reassuring, he felt safe. 

“Timmy? Shall we go to supper?” Gavin’s soft voice broke the silence. 

“Are you hungry?” Asked Tim, shifting slightly. 

“No. But Mother was going to send Father a telegram. I wanted to know if he has answered. You can stay here if you’re tired.”

“No. Don’t leave me.” 

Tim stood up, pulling his braces back up over his shoulders and heading over to his shoes.

“You contacted your father? Why?”

“Mother wants to see him.” Gavin stepped closer and held his hand. “We need money.”

“Did you lose everything?” Tim felt a spike of concern pierce the fog of apathy that had settled in him.

“Not everything, but there is a reason we are in a place like this, and having to share a room.”

“I suppose I’ll need to head to the ship yard, see if I can get a job there.”

“In the ship yard?”

“No. There are a few ships heading back over to England, and I want to get on one.” He just managed to hold back the words _‘I want my Mum.’_

“I… I don’t know if I can…” Gavin hesitated, stepping back and wrapping his arms around himself.

“What?” Tim frowned, watching as his lover took another step back and sat on the mattress. 

“Over the ocean… I- I’m not sure…” Tim knelt in front of Gavin and grasped his hands. 

“If you can go on another ship?” Tim finished. Misery flooded him once more and he dipped his head. “C-Can’t you come with me?”

“I have no money.” Gavin said softly. “I’d cross the ocean if it was with you, but I don’t have any money for tickets.”

“Can’t you get anything back from White Star Line?” He asked, wondering if people had lost everything. He would still be getting paid. He had to get that sorted, he knew.

“Father will file our insurance claims I expect. We’ll get some money back eventually.”

“Come with me. No, I know you have no money for ticket. Try working.”

“Working. I’ve never worked before.” But Gavin was smiling, and the expression lightened the feeling that was clogging Tim up. 

“Come on then.”

“I’m not sure what Mother will say.” Gavin informed him conversationally, the smile still on his face. “But I think Alice will understand.”

\---XXX---

“You’re not staying.” His mother frowned when Gavin informed her. Tim was stood in his shadow, wanting to reach out, but unsure how the woman would take it. 

“No.”

“You won’t wait for your father?” It was likely only her upbringing that stopped her clicking her teeth. Tim flinched at the cold look on her face, but Gavin was unmoved by it.

“Mother… England is my home.”

“Nonsense. We’ll live over here. No need to cross such a large body of water again.”

“That’s why I’m going with Tim. I won’t be alone.” Gavin stepped closer to her, wringing his hands imploringly. 

“What about sorting things out with that girl?” 

“Jenny didn’t… She didn’t reach America.” Gavin’s face was expressive, and showed clearly the pain he felt. Tim shifted, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He wanted to scowl and shout at Gavin, but he held his tongue. She couldn’t have him anymore.

He mused, as the two continued to talk, that the burst of anger was sharp, a relief. He smiled weakly, but kept his grip on Gavin.

They would be travelling back to England together, and that was all that mattered. He listened as Gavin and his mother discussed his future back and forth between them as one would a business deal. It was impersonal. It wasn’t good enough. Gavin deserved better than this.

“Stop!” He choked out. “Why are you acting like you don’t care?”

“Pardon me?” asked the woman, glaring at Tim.

“Your son is planning to move across the ocean and it will be a long time until he comes back, and that is assuming he ever does! He’ll leave and you’re talking about the house and staff and… and… why aren’t you asking will he be happy?”

“Timmy…” Gavin turned and pulled Tim into his arms. Tim pressed his teary face into the man’s chest and tried to stifle his sobs.

“Sorry. I don’t… I don’t know why I’m crying.”

“Timmy.” Gavin sank to the floor with him, and the embrace was safe. Tim held tightly onto Gavin as he allowed his emotions free reign. Words were abandoned as Tim gasped, his head was too hot and the blood was pounding in it. He couldn’t hear anything. 

He allowed Gavin to pull him up and lead him back to the stairs. The idea that he was making a scene didn’t occur to him. He didn’t see Gavin’s mother scowling at him, he was unaware that now her shock had worn off, she had realised that she didn’t approve of their relationship. He didn’t see the pitying glances cast his ways from those who hadn’t been aboard the ship. He didn’t see the faces of those who had, ranging from those who were crying to those who failed to show any emotions, to those who had a forced cheerfulness about them. 

He simply allowed himself to be pulled away, tucked up in bed with Gavin and tried to doze off as the man picked up the leather bound book. He flicked through the pages, staring at the scrawled writing.

“ _How Far is it to Heaven_ , by Emily Dickinson.” He murmured softly, and Tim sighed and he settled in, waiting to hear the poem his lover had chosen.

“How far is it to Heaven?  
As far as Death this way  
Of River or of Ridge beyond  
Was no discovery.

 

How far is it to Hell?  
As far as Death this way   
How far left hand the Sepulchre  
Defies Topography.”

As the tears once more welled up, Tim turned his face into the pillow and reassured himself that things would be fine. They would sort out passage back to England, then they would eat and figure out what they were going to do. But at least Tim wouldn’t be alone.


	8. Chapter 8

It wasn’t until a few days later that Gavin and Tim made their way down to the dock and asked about vacancies on the ships returning to England. Amidst the sniggering, they were directed to a glossy white ship called The Star of Whitbury. 

Gavin didn’t understand the reactions from people, but on the off chance that they could gain passage, the men approached the captain to make their inquiries. Captain Brittas had been thrilled to hear that they wanted to join ‘the team’; he had smiled warmly and invited them aboard, where everything was just as tidy and organised as the outside. 

Having signed all the forms Brittas had produced, filled them out a second time, then taken a sheet with ‘Whitbury Rules’ written at the top in neat block writing and the long, long list underneath it; Brittas took them to meet the rest of the crew.

“This is Linda. She’s a lively member of the crew, but she does her best.” He gave a strangely forced smile to the blonde haired woman, who gave him a nervous smile in return.

Next they headed to the mess, where a dark haired woman was trying to get a baby to sleep.

“This is Carole. Carole, this is Gavin and Timothy. They’re joining us for the journey back.”

“Oh, hello.” She smiled distractedly at them, before looking down at her child. “I just don’t think he likes it out here, Mr Brittas.”

“You can’t keep him locked away here, Carole. You know I’m trying to promote equality and personally, I think it’ll be good for young Benjamin to see it in action.”

“Yes, sir.” She didn’t look reassured at all, but she stood up and headed out the room anyway.

“If you have any problems, just tell Carole and she’ll find one of us. First port of call, you might say.” He grinned expectantly at them, waiting for a laugh. Gavin managed a weak smile, but Tim didn’t react at all. 

“Captain Brittas!” called out a man, hurrying over. “I wondered what you wanted to do about the mice.”

“Mice?” Brittas’s smile froze on his face as he looked at the man. He was scruffy, and looked like he could do with a good clean; Gavin was even more concerned as he observed _something_ oozing out his left ear.

“Well, they aren’t as much of a problem as the rats were before they killed the cats and set sail on their own, but they keep nibbling through stuff.”

“Now, Colin…” Brittas was frowning. “Have you checked the files? I think you’ll find I’ve put together of things to do when we have mice on board.”

“Yes sir.” The man straightened up, saluted and hurried away. 

“That was Colin Weatherby. He’s useful, in his own capacity.” Brittas gave them his large, forced smile again before hurrying on. “Now, you two young men are going to need somewhere to sleep.”

He led them through the corridors and towards a plain door. Inside there were two small beds and a table and a chair. It was small, but Gavin and Tim slipped inside, taking the offered book filled with rules and instructions of the Captain.

“Now, I’ll get you some uniforms sorted out, and before we head out I’ll get some slacks and shirts sorts out for you.” Brittas smiled at them. “No worries, I’ll take it out of you pay so you won’t owe me anything.”

It was Tim he was looking at. Gavin’s father had been in the city to meet them anyway, so he hadn’t had to travel far. The man had purchased clothing for Gavin, as well as a few bits and pieces to make his journey home more comfortable. All Tim had received was a glare, then his father had proceeded to ignore his lover entirely. 

Brittas backed out and shut the door. Gavin turned to Tim and sat on one of the beds, beside him. 

“Timmy?”

“When did he say we are setting off?” Tim asked, his voice level as he stared at the floor.

“In the morning. Supper is at 7 tonight, and then we have to catch up on rest.” Gavin waited for a response as Tim smiled slightly, slowly raising his eyes to look at the older man. 

“Sounds good.”

“Shall we have a lie down for a bit?” Gavin leaned down and began to unfasten his shoes. Tim smirked and copied his actions.

“Was it sleep you were thinking of?” Whispered Tim in a low voice, as Gavin began to press kisses along his jawline, pushing him down onto the bed.

“Of a sort, Timmy. But being back on the water… well, maybe we should tire ourselves out first.”

“Gavin?” Tim held his shoulders, pushing him back slightly with a frown on his face. “Are you alright?”

“Sure.” Gavin replied, his voice higher than normal as he pressed back down, trying to take his mind off the water.

“Gavin… Are you… afraid of the ocean?” Tim’s voice was soft and hesitant. “Because, well, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about that.”

“Let me kiss you.” Whispered Gavin, and Tim relaxed. He pulled Gavin’s head down to meet his lips and his legs spread to wrap around his hips. “You’re all I need.”

\---XXX---

“So you guys are planning to stay, are you?” Julie was another woman on Brittas’s staff. She was startlingly blunt about everything, especially where the Captain was involved, but otherwise she was friendly.

“Yes. We want to head back to England.” Gavin tried to smile at her, but now they were settled, he could feel the bobbing of the ship on the water; it was turning his stomach.

“And you picked… this ship?” Julie looked perplexed.

“It was the only one with 2 spare spaces.” Tim replied, leaning slightly against Gavin’s arm.

“I’d come separately than on this one.” She muttered, raising her brow as she looked at them.

“Is it that bad?” asked Tim, as Gavin stared at him. Tim was the only reason he was travelling over to England, so coming separately was never going to happen. His excuses to his mother about England being his homes, and their estates over there had been just that – excuses. The fact remained that in the short time he had known Tim, the young man made him feel more alive than anything else he had experienced, and he would do anything to hold onto that.

“Well, most of us aren’t too bad. Laura got a good head on her, Colin’s good at fixing things and Linda’s nice to talk to in same doses… I suppose the same could be said of Carole, you know? The Reverend Horatio Brittas is on board, but he’s… a bit much.”

“A lot of women, aren’t there?” Gavin said, absent-mindedly.

“Yeah. Brittas was won over by the rights of women, he wants to show he’s behind them.” She sounded almost enthusiastic, but sarcasm leaked into her voice.

“Any other new staff?” 

“There’s Samantha, who goes by Sam. She’s helping out with the children on board.”

“There are children?”

“Only Carole’s, and they tend to be locked away in a cupboard. Oh, don’t ask about that.” Julie pulled a face. “Then there’s Danny, who’s helping to keep the engine running, and Patrick, who’s doing the same thing.”

“Patrick?” Tim sat up, looking over at her.

“Yeah. You know him?” she shifted closer, leaning on the table. “He said he was on the Titanic when she sank.”

Tim and Gavin both flinched, and Julie’s eyes narrowed.

“You two were on her as well.” She stated as Tim shivered and Gavin wrapped an arm around him. “That’s why you’re here together.”

He nodded and she returned the gesture, but sat back in her seat, not saying anything. 

“Ahh, it’s excellent to see you, boys.” Julie groaned as Brittas trotted over to them. “Settling in, are we?”

“Captain.” Gavin looked over at him. 

“I am glad to see that. Because, you see, this crew is a family. I want everyone to get along with each other, keeping our little world aboard this ship running smoothly.” He smiled at them, even as Julie stood up and took her bowl away. “I have a dream, you see; that we can rely on each other; that we can keep each other buoyant, as it were; you see, we need to keep each other afloat in life, to have that trust, and that love that keeps us from drowning and- Tim?”

Tim had stood up and walked rapidly from the room.

“I’d better see if he’s alright.” Gavin said, standing up and worry welled up inside him.

“I think that’s a very good idea. You do that and I’ll take these bowls back for you.”

But Gavin wasn’t listening to him as he ran from the room. He saw the door leading to the gymnasium swing shut, and followed.

It was in a squash court that he found Tim, on the floor with his leg splayed as he gasped, trying to keep his tears from falling. 

“Timmy?” He approached slowly, kneeling before him and trying to meet his eyes. “Here.”

“I don’t know why I can’t stop crying.” Whispered Tim, reaching out to his lover.

“She changed us.” He replied. “I can’t sleep through the night and the thought of being on the water makes me feel sick.”

“You?” Tim looked up at him, confusion clear on his face.

“Of course me.” He cupped Tim’s jaw for a moment before pressing his cheek against his lover’s. “I don’t think anyone was unaffected, not even Mother.”

“I love you.” Tim murmured, shifting into Gavin’s lap, keeping their faces pressed together.

“I love you.” Gavin took a deep breath, indulging in the comforting scent of Tim’s neck. “You aren’t alone.”

“No. And I have something to look forward to.” Tim grinned, tears drying on his face as he put their foreheads together. 

“You do?” Gavin breathed back, sliding his hands down to grasp Tim’s backside through his slacks. 

“I recall you saying something about taking me home, giving me a hot bath…”

“Then finding some oil, tasting you and taking you.” Groaned Gavin and their lips met in a deep kiss. 

“I can’t wait for this journey to be over then.” Tim gasped in between kisses, and Gavin wholeheartedly agreed.


End file.
